I can now see that I have neglected my posting duties the last few days. I can't believe that it has been 4 days!!
Not a whole lot new. I worked the last 4 nights, and overall it was not horrible. It was not great either, but I think that is because I am just generally unhappy at my job, and not because of the job itself. I have become supremely stressed out with work. All I think about, all the time, is how much going to work is going to suck. It has really taken a toll on my mind, and things are not going good. On Saturday night, a crazy guy (not just a name for him, he really is crazy) had an episode at 4am. He was not in any real trouble, and he was still breathing fine. We tried to talk with him, and he wouldn't say anything. This went on for about an hour until my Sgt told another deputy and myself to just lift him up and put him on his bunk. There was more that went on, but the real problem with this whole situation is that while I am there to help this guy (because that is what I get paid to do), all I really wanted to do was kick the guy and yell at him and tell him to stop playing his f**king games. I was so angry that I could have screamed. Well, I wrote my report, came home, slept, went back to work, and all the time was thinking about this incident from the night before. I could not shake the awful feeling that I had because I didn't want to help this guy. For the first time ever I really didn't care if the guy was ok or not. This, as you can imagine, is not a good thing for someone in law enforcement.
I recently have been reading a book called "The Will To Survive: A mental and emotional guide for law enforcement professionals and the people who love them." It was written by a State Trooper who got shot in the face and lost his sight and career.
Long story short, this guy and his book have shed a lot of light on things for me. In the midst of this thing going on at work, I remembered what this book had said about stress and how it affects your career. So last night I did one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I went to my Sgt and asked him for the employee assistance phone number. This is a program provided by the county that puts you in touch with a counselor to help you through your problems. It is basically going to the shrink, and it is free of cost for up to 6 sessions with them. I am ridiculously nervous about this. I am also scared to find out why all this is piling up on me. I have always been good at not letting things stress me out and carrying it with me (more than the norm anyways) and I just can't figure out why this is going on.
So now I have 3 choices as I see it. One: I can not do anything and continue on (which I know is not the correct option); Two: I can talk with Daddy-O and see if that helps (he was a cop for 30+ years and he would know some of the stress I deal with); and Three: I can contact these people and start seeing a shrink. I think I really would rather talk to Daddy-O first because he is someone who knows what it is like, and he is someone I trust.
I am fairly embarrassed about this whole thing. It makes me feel like I can't handle myself, how will I ever help raise little Ellie.
Oh man. That was a lot to share huh? Sorry to drop that on all of you.
Greg
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I dont think it is a matter of weakness or strength. I think it is a matter of quality of life and it sounds like you are ready for a change or at least just getting support around being in a tough job. I like to box. I need to punch the bag for about 20 minutes a day or every other day to get out aggression. We all have it. Your not alone!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you're going to be just fine. Everyone has their weak moments. Have you considered getting out of law enforcement or possibly getting a regular cop job?
ReplyDeleteWhat do you have to be embarrassed about? You have a fairly stressful job. Had you told me you wore a bra and panties to work every day...I would be embarrassed. Of course, that's just not very tolerant of me. If girly panties make you feel more like a man...wait, where was I going with this.
ReplyDeleteDude, that's definitely not something to let bother you. That kind of stress isn't health. You need to take care of you too. We Dads ain't made of steel.
I've known scores (hundreds?) of corrections officers, and I admire them.... that's just not something I could imagine doing and putting up with.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I don't know how you have managed your career successfully to this point. Your hours are crazy, your Sgt sounds like a jerk, and the inmates are CRIMINALS. Obviously, you are not in a great environment. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you need to talk to someone, then do it.
ReplyDeleteNobody can understand what you go through, the things you have seen and heard and experienced in the line of duty. I use to try to talk to my friends and my husband about stuff that would happen at work and they never understood because it wasn't part of their reality. I have since found some truly inspirational co-workers that act as mentors for me. Do you have anybody like that where you work? Whatever you do don't keep it all bottled up inside, talk about it!
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